We spent Sunday morning in Waterloo at a 6th-grade basketball tournament. My son CJ had a bad game, which led to him getting down on himself and crying. More about that in a little bit. . .
You have heard me talk multiple times about habit formation. One of my favorite books about this is from James Clear, Atomic Habits. Another new book covering much of the same principles but in a faith-based way is Pastor Craig’s The Power to Change. It’s a great book and, in my opinion, a touch easier to digest and implement than Atomic Habits. Check it out if this topic is of interest to you and/or if you are trying to develop some habits for the greater good.
Change is hard! Typically, people do not change unless they feel some pain. For example, you may be 20 pounds overweight but not really be motivated to change until you experience the pain of your clothes no longer fitting or someone mentioning to you that you’ve gained weight. Those painful moments usually get people at least thinking about change.
Whatever gets you motivated to change, the hard part is actually doing it (behaving in the ideal way) long term. The research on behavior change is very clear.
You will not be able to sustain long term change unless you choose to identify as the person you are trying to change into!
So what does the research suggest you do? Decide who you want to identify as, and the change will follow. If you are overweight and you want to change, you need to start identifying as someone who cares about their long term health. Then you need to start acting in this way. What would some who care about their long term health do here? How would someone who cares about their long term health respond in this situation? This concept is obviously simple, just not easy.
So lets go back to my son CJ. He didn’t play in the game as much as he wanted to and when he was on the court, he made some mistakes. He was very sad, teary eyed. Like you guys, when our kids are feeling like this, our hearts break. Mine was no different today.
Afterwards he came to me asking for advice. The simple answer from me could have been “you need to practice more” just like the simple answer for the overweight person is “eat less and exercise more” but telling someone these instructions leads them to act in ways that don’t last. I answered CJ’s question with a question of my own, “You first must identify what you really want . . .Who are you trying to become?”
For CJ, after a little brainstorming and back and forth conversation, he wants to be the best point guard in his grade in Canandaigua. That’s who he really wants to become. Now that he has clarity on that, we have to ask ourselves,
How does the best 6th grade point guard in Canandaigua behave?
- How often do they practice?
- How do they eat?
- Do they study game film?
- What are the daily activities that lead to being the best 6th grade point guard in Canandaigua?
Once you have that list, the rest is just following through. If you lack motivation in following through, then perhaps you were a little off in trying to identify who you are trying to become.
Who are you trying to become?
- The best spouse you can be?
- The best dad you kids can imagine?
- The best dental assistant in the finger lakes?
- The most empathetic doctor in Rochester?
- A hygienist that provides 2nd to none care for her patients?
- A leader at work that grows people and makes them better?
You must decide and once you have clarity on that you must fight like hell to behave in a way congruent to your desired identity.
Here is who I’m trying to become. I spend 5 minutes every single morning reviewing these identities and how each one of them behaves.
- Soulmate to Kara
- Dad of the Year
- Best Friend Others Have
- A Man of Grit and Perseverance
- A 10%’er in Health, Fitness and Wellness
- An Extremely Successful Entrepreneur
- An Irrational Giver
If you are looking to change and need help, as always, reach out. I’d love to help you talk this through and help you create a framework.
Jason
