I love this question. 

Everything is relational. Healthy relationships, at work or at home, are based on love. I know what you’re thinking: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, Jason is talking about love again. Here we go.”

Hear me out. I really don’t like it when people try to get points across using gross generalizations and ambiguity. Real lessons don’t stick unless we can be GRANULAR and TACTICAL with our teaching. 

I spend a lot of time coaching on the principles of servant leadership. What I don’t want to get lost in this teaching is the fact that servant leadership principles are as applicable in the workplace as they are in other relationships in our lives—arguably more so away from work. Let’s look at marriage. It’s a pretty important relationship, wouldn’t you say?

In an effort to reinforce these ideas in my own head, let me try to share some practical thoughts on how servant leadership intertwines with relationships.

First a review…

At its core, servant leadership is simply choosing to behave with love towards others. 

Agape love is based on this definition in 1 Corinthians. Here is one of my favorite versions:

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. Love is never happy when others do wrong, but it is always happy with the truth. Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. Love will never end.”

Based on this definition, love is the intentional practice of these eight principles:

• Patience 
• Kindness
• Humility
• Respect
• Selflessness
• Forgiveness
• Honesty
• Commitment

So, if servant leadership means choosing to behave with love toward others and love is based on the above eight principles, how can we be intentional about this?

I would ask you to consider the following.

Patience. How well do you control your impulses? How well are you at controlling your temper? Humans, unlike animals, have the ability to control the gap between stimulus and response. How good are you at controlling that gap? Do you practice?

Kindness. Do you pay attention to your spouse? Do you actively and empathetically listen to him or her, bracketing out all other noise and stimuli? Do you give consistent praise to your spouse? Are you nice?

Humility. Quick definition review…Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less. How often do you put the needs of your spouse in front of your own? Are you humble enough to readily admit when you are wrong?

Respectfulness. I consider respect and honor the same, and I am in the minority in thinking that respect does not need to be earned. Respect should be given, especially to our significant others. Do you honor your spouse? Do you open doors for him or her? Do you brag about them? Do you allow them space when needed, not hovering and micro-managing them?

Selflessness. Do you go out of your way to serve your spouse? Do you take care of their legitimate needs before your own? Can you purposely act in a way that is uncomfortable for you simply because that’s what your spouse needs? For example, fully engage in conversation even though you are an introvert. 

Forgiveness. Can you forgive your spouse when they wrong you? Can you fully let go of resentment? Can you tolerate imperfections and limitations and forgive them?

Honesty. Do you tell your spouse everything? I mean EVERYTHING, or do you “strategically leave out certain things,” becoming deceitful? Trust is mainly built on honesty. How can you have trust if you are not honest?

Commitment. Are you fully committed to the long haul, or do you have an” escape plan in the back of your mind? Are you willing to do the work to improve, or is that work simply too hard for you? Are you consistently practicing all the principles of agape love, not just when you’re in the mood or on Valentine’s Day? That’s it. Simple, just not easy. How do you get better?

PRACTICE. ALL. THE. TIME.